5:00a. I'm still drunk. Well, that wasn't really gonna' change with a half hour sleep I suppose. Thank the lord I'm not hungover. I don't know what I did to deserve that beautiful blessing, but, regardless, thank the lord. Then I see my water bottle on the nightstand next to me and know that was probably the saving grace. My stomach's tight, but not in knots. I vaguely remember chugging as much water as I could each time I randomly awoke during the night, oh, and I was doing my laundry? I look at my bike on the other bed and I can see I certainly didn't change out my tires or pack anything like I was supposed to do yesterday. I check my phone and see that Stumbles texted me. "Who the fuck decided that shots of whiskey were a good idea!!!" Well, I slyly raise my hand, I guess you can blame me for that one. We agree to leave the hotel at 6:30a. Breakfast at 6:15a. Because WE ARE DOING THIS. And, with that realization, I really need to start doing this, we're supposed to leave on our 3000 (why can't you CAPS LOCK numbers?) mile bicycle ride across America in an hour and a half and I'm more than half drunk from margaritas, beers upon beers upon beers, hell in a shell (whatever the hell that is), and four shots o' Jameson. Instead of making a move I lay there staring at the ceiling, feeling out if I'm really up for this. Because I kind of knowingly and maybe a little bit on purpose/laziness/dgaf/I really don't know what I'm doing in life attitude didn't do JACK ALL in preparation for this itty bitty ride... Nah, it'll be grand and dandy, I ain't worried. So, I set my alarm for another half hour.
5:30a. I can do this. I can get up. I check my phone, Stumbles has changed the leaving time to 6:45a. Well that'll help me a little bit at least. If I get up that is. Alright, I'm doing it. RALLYING. I guess you could call it rallying? I don't know the logistics of what is or isn't a rally, but, fuck, I'm rallying. And roll off the bed to land with a thud. Pull my phone down on top of me by the charger cord and start to blast some upbeat music. 'Whistle while you work it' comes on and I can get my head around that. Moan, stand, look at the fake cheese all over the bed. Where did that even come from? Looks like I slept snuggling a bag of Cheezeits. Which, in fact, it also appears that I did sleep snuggling a bag of Cheezeits. I walk out and across the hall in my bibs (basically a unitard), no fucks given really, pull my laundry out the dryer, and then go back to dump it in a heap by my pack. I need some hot water, that'll get the blood goin'. So I go sit in my handicapped shower.
6:00a. Falling asleep in the shower is a thing cool kids do right? I guess I probably rightly deserved this handicapped room looking at how retarded my night must've been. Surprised I woke up in my room at this point even. I dress in my beacon of a cycling uniform slooooooowly and shoelessly wander out to the free breakfast where I expect to meet Stumbles. I rearrange some furniture and kick it with my feet up.
7:00a. Falling asleep in a crowded hotel breakfast room is a thing cool kids do right? Stumbles shows up, it looks like she may be feeling last night as well. And from the way she is describing Mr. Miller right now it sounds like he may be in the roughest spot of us all. But that's okay I guess because he isn't riding his bike spontaneously across America, he was just the one kind enough to drive us down to Maryland and see us off. Stumbles gets some coffee to take up to him and our chatty jibes about last night unlock some of what actually happened in my brain. I remember us laughing at Mr. Miller's spot on comment of 'your ass will be so tight by the end of this ride you won't be able to drive a nail into it with a sledgehammer'. Damn, we really did go at it last night. We really did get pretty turnt. I'm about to fall back asleep in the chair when Stumbles tells me to go sleep in my room and we'll leave a little later. I oblige.
9:00a. Stumbles is knocking at my door and I let her into the war zone (because of course I STILL have not done anything I need to). 'What is all over this bed?!'. 'Uh.... Cheezeits? Don't remember what happened really, but it's something to do with the Cheezeits I woke up covered in'. Definitely a wild night for a wild adventure to come. And then she drops the bomb. Mr. Miller is gonna' call in to work. Meaning we could potentially, actually, like we were supposed to, prepare for this trip and get a nights sleep before endeavoring on this silly adventure of ours IF we take a zero day... So,......? Decisions? Everyone's thinking it and he was just the one to say it. We walk over to breakfast for real and meet Mr. Miller there. First day riding our bikes across America was a zero day. Anyone who knows the two of us together wouldn't be surprised by it. First day, zero day. This is gonna be an awesome bike ride. We laugh and laugh about it.
Sometime during breakfast. Stumbles mentions the goose. I facepalm. THE GOOSE! HOW COULD I FORGET THE GOOSE! I can't believe we killed a motha' fuckin' suicidal goose yesterday guys!! But really, it flew right in front of the car. Surprised it didn't crash through the windshield actually. And then I ask myself what even is my life and go back to sleep.
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P.S.
I am aware that in some world far far away a blog post such as this could be looked upon as 'bad taste'. That retailing my drunken adventures and endeavors could be seen as 'unprofessional' or some such nonsense. And now, I'm saying to you, the reader, let's be honest with each other. People get drunk and do silly things and it's hilarious. And we all know damn well I ain't no saint. Plus I just enjoy writing, and, even though this blog is about adventure, I stand by that this sort of thing is under the classification of adventure. So, if you're offended by the content or my mouth (fingers?), then I apologize.
Other than that, if you didn't gather, Stumbles and I are about to ride our bikes across the country. Starting in northern Maryland and headed west. Maybe to Seattle, maybe to San Francisco, but we're not 100% sure. It's gonna be fun and I'll blog it for y'all! If you're kind of on that latitude somewhere hit me up and maybe we can stop in for a visit!
Anyways,
Be happy everyone!
Beacon
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